Rules for new committed relationships ? Sacredsalvage

As we welcome our second little girl, I was reflecting on the past few years and how our relationship has changed. ?I feel like we have grown significantly, not necessarily that we are clearly better than where we were, but that we have grown well together. ?We are no longer the lovesick dating couple we once were, or the newlywed couple that felt the need to talk about our relationship several times a day. ?We have grown into a team that seems to be somewhat successfully loving and raising a family together, and still finds rest and joy in one another in the midst of it.

With that said, I thought it might be helpful to share some of the best things we did or didn?t do early on. ?This is not meant to be a perfect list, but rather, this is what worked for us and maybe it will work for you too. ?Most of these things never come up anymore because we have grown past the need for them. ?I am not really arranging them in any specific order, just as I think of them. ? Anyway, enjoy and I wish for you success?in growing in your love with someone.

1. ?No games. ?Simply put, games that dare the other person to respond to you in a specific way are manipulative and breakdown communication. ?They send the message that you are not secure enough about your own hangups to talk about them, but rather are more willing to toy with someone else in the name of protecting your fears than you are to sacrifice your sense of security to love the other person well. ?If you are serious about a healthy relationship, communicate intentionally whenever you have the courage to talk about your fears, wants, or hangups.

2. ?Keep no score. ?I know some couples work really well always keeping a list of who picked the restaurant last or who endured the recent romantic comedy movie. ?Not us. ?I think relationships work best when both people walk into it choosing to give because the relationship is valuable to them. ? We work best when we are both willing to give when we see the other person needs help or some cheering up.

3. ?Treat the relationship like a third party. ?When you are pissed off at your significant other, you can make decisions that are for the good of the relationship. ?In the same way, you can check your decisions before you make them by asking, ?Will this be good for the relationship?? ?By framing your relationship this way, it allows you to be objective when your feelings tell you otherwise.

4. ?Place a statute of limitations on bringing up offenses. ?Pick a period of time 3 to 7 days (not more than a week) where you agree that you will bring up something the other person did that offended or hurt you that they were seemingly unaware of. ?If you do not bring it up in that time period, you have to let it go and forgive them. ?It cannot be ammunition for a future argument. ?If you choose to not bring it up, it is your responsibility to drop it and forgive.

5. Love is the trump card. ?If you find yourself stuck in an argument, don?t agree to disagree. ?Stop arguing your positions and decide that the most important outcome is loving one another, not drawing a line between your perspectives. ? Some things unfold over time, and some things fade entirely. ?Forcing some kind of resolution or peace treaty in a single conversation may leave you feeling like you have control over your position, but it usually also means you have placed distance between you and your loved one unnecessarily.

6. ?Shoot for four good days out of seven. ?Because of busyness, the human condition, our own self-centeredness, and the unpredictability of life, it is simply unreasonable to expect that the relationship will be so good that you notice it every day of the week. ?If you hit four good days a week, feel good about the relationship. ?You can make yourself miserable over-exaggerating each little bump in the road or boring day while not celebrating the good in the relationship.

7. ?For dating couples, look for someone where you feel like you can:?

- Accept their daily flow of life (it?s not likely to change much, so if it drives you nuts now, it will drive you nuts later). ?Remember you will be roommates far more of the time than lovers.?

- Respect who they are today. ?If you cannot respect who a person is today, then you are likely to de-valuate their opinion in any major choices that you might make together later.

- Share 70-80% of their worldview and faith. ?It may not come up when you are dating, but it will in nearly every major decision you will make later. ?

- Fit your major dreams together. ?If one of you dreams of a family and the other does not, then one of you will be miserable for a large portion of your life.

8. Forgive, forgive, forgive. ?Simply put, expect disappointment and pain as you share life together. ?It is inevitable. ?You must commit your own heart to trying again tomorrow.

9. Do not expect to find your perfect mate. ?There is no such thing. ?There is only the person who you choose to love each day and chooses to love you back each day. ?Both of you will continue to change and grow. ?It is impossible to expect a perfect match for all that you are today and might be tomorrow.

10. ?Those who keep showing up win. ?This is not only for romantic relationships, but all of life. ?Those who keep contributing themselves will bring influence. ?

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Source: http://sacredsalvage.wordpress.com/2012/02/19/rules-for-new-committed-relationships/

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